So, here we are about 6 weeks after the worst day of our lives. There have been many people (including strangers who've just happened upon this blog) emailing me with their thoughts and condolences and let me start by saying that I appreciate them all! Forgive me if I didn't respond to you, but just know that we thank you for your kind words and support. And what a helpful bit of therapy this blog has been.
Many of you have asked for an update on how my husband and I are doing, so I thought I'd share that with you and share what I've learned over the last few weeks. I've been reading a book called "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart". It's helped tremendously by reminding me that I'm not alone. There are stories of parents who have gone through the exact same kind of loss. Every now and then I come across a line that really speaks to me and allows me to think of my situation in a different light and calms me. A lot of you came across this page because you've gone through something similar yourselves. It amazes me to realize how many people have been through this. So many (too many), but somehow, I still feel very alone in this. I remember the day Lucas died as we were leaving the hospital, I saw everyone hustling around going on about their usual business and I just wanted to scream out "Don't you people know what just happened?! Don't you know what we just had to go though? Why isn't the world stopping for us?!" I had no idea how I was going to get through the first night, much less weeks after. Turns out, the whole "Fake It 'Til You Make It" concept actually does work. At least for short period of time. If you say "I'm okay" enough times to the 50 million people that ask how you are doing, it sort of works like a daily affirmation and you start to believe it whether you really feel okay or not. Before you know it, you've accidentally buried your true feelings deep inside because the actual answer to the "How are you doing?" question should have been, "I feel horrible. I just lost my son. How do you think I'm doing?" But that wouldn't be very polite, would it? Also, having to see the puzzled look on people's faces when they had no idea what had happened and suddenly realize that I'm no longer pregnant when they were sure I wasn't due until August. So lesson #1...learning how to answer questions in a civilized manner without alienating everyone we know.
Ryan and I have great family support and encouragement from friends and coworkers, but this struggle is ultimately our own, and we're learning to cope with it on our own. Lucas was our baby. He was ours to raise and teach and watch grow. But I guess in the end, he was just a "loaner" from God. He was sent to us for a short time for some reason that only God knows right now. He's already made one difference. My husband and his brother hadn't spoken in over 2 years. They're talking on a regular basis now. Maybe Lucas's purpose for me will be apparent someday. But until then, I ask myself 50 times a day "Why me?" Why not this pregnant lady, or that one? Why not that girl that got knocked up and doesn't even take care of herself? Why does she have a healthy baby? So, lesson #2...learning how to hide the fact that I'm jealous and resentful toward every pregnant women and new mother I come across. I know, I know...it's a horrible thing to admit, and believe me when I say that my innocent little conscience took a beating on this one. But it's a normal reaction. It's part of the grieving process and I'm working on it. I'm angry. Angry that this happened to me. I want to find someone to blame so bad, but the truth is there isn't anyone I can point the finger at, because this was going to happen no matter what. So what do you do with anger that you can't direct at anyone? Answer: You still direct it at someone. Myself and my husband in this case. And what happens when you do that? It makes you shut out the world, not care about a thing, and makes your husband think you don't love him anymore.
This leads me to lesson # 3. How to keep sadness and anger from corrupting our relationship. The initial numbness and shock are starting to wear off and reality is starting to set in. Well, for me at least. I can't speak for him. I seem to do okay when I'm at work. It's easier to turn it off, so to speak, and run away from it. But the minute I walk through the front door at the end of the day, I can't run from it anymore. It's real and it happened and there's nothing I can do to fix it. This is when the sadness and anger get the best of me and I just want to shut everything out...including my husband, apparently. I had moments where I would lash out at him, even moments where I didn't want to be around him at all. I just hope he understands that this feeling is going to rise and fall for a while and I'm just trying my best to stay ME through all this. I told my husband the other day that it's almost as if I don't want to be me anymore. I want to reinvent and be someone new. I have no idea what this feeling means. Seems a little too deep to try to interpret without the help of a trained therapist, so I usually just sweep this emotion under the rug and leave it alone. Hopefully it will manifest into something positive. We ultimately came to an unspoken agreement that we HAVE to continue to talk about how we feel. I HAVE to let myself cry when I need to. Don't shut down. Let it come out even though it hurts and it's easier to just ignore it. It's like a slow poison and I can feel it eat at me when I don't let it out. I've got to learn to tune into this better. But I do want my husband to know that he means the world to me and that no matter how distant I may seem, I love you and I'm not going anywhere.
Lesson # 4. Don't be ashamed of the way I was feeling during a nightmarish situation. Feeling disconnected with my son, feeling like I wasn't being mother I should be. I still struggle with these same thoughts I had the day Lucas died. These emotions are getting really old and I wish I knew how to come to terms with them. They're going to take a while. Did we do the right thing? What if this? What if that? Why didn't I hold him longer while I had the chance? Why didn't I sing to him? Why didn't I talk to him more? Why didn't we spend more time at the NICU? Why did I not call every 10 minutes to check on him through the night? My book had some reassuring lines about this issue that go something like this. I did the best I could do and made the best decisions I could make for my son in an IMPOSSIBLE situation. I did my absolute best. Holding him with his breathing tube was supposed to be our time to let him FEEL our love. I wanted him to FEEL that we love him and to KNOW what love is. I couldn't hold him very long. I was 2 seconds away from changing my mind. I was absolutely in love with my baby boy. I had to stop. But still, I regret not holding him for an hour. I pray that he felt our love somehow. This is probably one of the things that bothers me the most. I felt like a horrible mother because I didn't call all day, every day to check on him while I was an hour away. I didn't sit by his side for hours on end. (maybe I did...things happened in the blink of an eye, it's hard to gauge). I couldn't be the perfect mother because I COULDN'T be the perfect mother. I WAS an hour away. I knew they would call me if something was wrong. We had 2 other people and one car and a laundry list of things to do and arrangements to make that just didn't make staying at the hospital from dawn to dusk possible. I have a legitimate, understandable answer for every single question that plagues me. I answer these questions in my head over and over again every single day. When it's all said and done, it all comes around to "I did the best I could do." My head knows it. It's just hard to make the heart believe it. I think back to when we drove to the hospital. I was sure that it was nothing. Sure that I'd just overdone it on the trip. I'd be out in a few hours...no biggie. We have a picture Ryan took of me not long after we got there. I'm laying in the hospital bed with the monitor hooked up and I'm smiling. Completely unaware that things were about to go extremely wrong. I hate that picture. And then I think about the very moment that Dr. King stood there and explained to us that we were going to deliver then and there. Without even knowing details of the prognosis of a 24 wk preemie or the chance of survival, my heart said FIGHT...SAVE HIM! But in a little corner of my mind, there was always a little voice saying "You're not going home with your little boy." I tried to tell that little voice to shut up, but as the hours passed after his birth and he was gone to San Francisco, I began to feel very disconnected from him. Now that it's all said and done, I realize that I was subconsciously saying goodbye before I ever said hello. Maybe that was good thing in the end. Kind of like a head-start. I don't think that affected my decision, but I think it helped me somehow come to terms with the whole situation. Maybe even made it easier.
I wish I could say that I've learned some profound and meaningful life lesson through all of this. But I don't think that's ever going to be the case. I'm just working on learning how to move on. Ryan and I are able to try again in the future. I'll need to see a high-risk obstetrician and take some extra precautions to keep this from happening again because I am at higher risk for repeat placental abruption. We also have to wait a year because I had a c-section. As much as I would love to try now, I know it would be a mistake physically and emotionally. So, this next year is our chance to get anything we need to get out of our systems (which we had done before, but we can do it again I guess.) We've got another year to not have to worry about middle of the night diaper changes and feedings. We can still go wherever we want, whenever we want. Go out and get drunk with friends without feeling guilty. I guess we'll just focus on each other and we're going to start going to church again.
Next week will present a new challenge. We had Lucas cremated and his ashes were supposed to be sent to our house. So, we've waited and waited and he's still not home. Ryan contacted the funeral home in California and finally heard back. Since shipping ashes across the country is not the usual protocol, there must have been some confusion and they were sent back to the funeral home. We were getting very worried, but at least we know where he is now. He should come home next week some time. I feel so insensitive as I think to myself "Any day now, my son will be waiting for us in a box on our doorstep." What an odd sentence. But as odd as it sounds, I want my son here. I feel like maybe I'll feel his presence if his ashes are with me. Maybe that's just a foolish illusion. I know it's not HIM the way I wanted to have him home, as a baby. But in a way, it really is him. We will be more at peace when our whole little family is here. I bought a beautiful container for his ashes. It's a silver plated cross shape. The lid is a cream marble design and in the middle there is a silver heart surrounded with rhinestones. It has Lucas's name and dates engraved on it. The cross reads, from top to bottom, "May God bless you and keep you and may his light shine upon you always." Rather appropriate, I thought.
Thank you, everyone, again for all your kind words and prayers. It's been rough, and so far we're doing as well as can be expected. There have been quick mentions of counseling, but as of now, we're going to try to handle this on our own. I plan to start a team in Lucas's honor and collect donations for the local March of Dimes event this fall. I don't plan to do anymore posts. I hope I never have to. Please say a quick prayer while you're thinking about it that we don't. Thank you.
Jessica Wemyss
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Friday, May 4, 2012
Heaven Has New Angel
Thank you all so much for your thoughts, prayers, and offers to help us out during this difficult time. Lucas Ryan Wemyss passed away around 4pm on May 3rd, 2012. He was 6 days old. The time I spent with him, however short, was absolutely precious.
I had left off 3 days ago, the day before we were to meet with all of Lucas's doctors to discuss his treatment and prognosis. He was of course having a lot of "preemie problems" that virtually all 24-weekers (as they say in the NICU) have. Problems regulating his temperature, blood sugar, oxygen, blood pressure...basically everything. Every organ system is immature and needed help to function. Wednesday night was a particularly bad one for him. He was constantly having trouble with just about everything. They spent all night just adjusting up and adjusting down and ultimately ended up having to do another blood transfusion, putting him back on his blood pressure meds, upping his oxygen again, started antibiotics, among many other things. An echo of his heart also indicated that he had PDA. The heart of a fetus in the womb has a different structure that allows the blood to bypass the lungs since they are not breathing in air. After birth, this hole is supposed to closed up. In preemies, this hole is, of course, still open and can cause problems. It can be treated by medications or surgery. We didn't discuss this too much at the meeting because the brain bleeds were more of a problem than anything.
About those...There are 4 grades of these bleeds (known as IVH ...intraventricular hemorrhage). Grade 4 being the worst. Ryan could tell you details about it and what that actually means down to every last definition. He did a lot of research about it to try to understand what happened to our son. I won't get into that. Bottom line...very very bad. Lucas had two grade 4 IVH's (originally we were told 3 and 4, but the neurologist actually said it was more like two 4's). They went on to talk about what that would mean for Lucas's future. Now, I know that doctors are not always right...I know that they can not look into the future and give us a 100% guarantee about anything. I know several of you told me stories of other premature babies who made it and were fine. I don't know anything about whether those babies had the same severity of bleeding that Lucas did. Only a neurologist can make that determination. And there is a HUGE difference when comparing a 24 weeker with, say, a 28 weeker. Any extra time in the womb makes a BIG difference as to the outcome of the child. That being said, understand that just because you knew a friend of a friend who had a preemie...blah blah blah. That doesn't mean a thing. Each baby is different. Each family is different. All we could do is listen to our doctors and decide whether or not to trust their expert opinions. We spent a lot of time talking with them and we do trust their opinion. I work with doctors all the time...I've learned to put trust in them. Again, they can not predict the future. What they can do is use their many years of experience and knowledge to help them determine what is most likely to happen. They see the history of a baby, they see the images and scans, they see what these babies must endure, and they see some of these babies come back years later and witness the end result. They told us flat out that he had severe brain damage. They said he WILL have (with no doubt) severe disabilities in the form of or similar to cerebral palsy. While they can not pinpoint exactly every problem, they assured us that he will eventually lose the movement in his legs and be wheelchair bound. Likely lose the use of his arms as well. Mental retardation. Other possible outcomes ON TOP OF those included blindness, speech impairment, seizures, heart and lung problems, among other things. He would need constant care and would always have various problems. While the degree in severity can differ, we were able to get at least a "ballpark figure" of what we were looking at. I mean, are we looking at occupational and speech therapy and special schools? Or are we looking at 24 hour care by myself or by a nurse to do everything...feed him, bathe him, change diapers for the rest of his life? Will he ever be able to take care of himself and eventually maybe even learn to live independently? The answer was no. He would need constant care for the rest of his life.
We next talked about our care options for Lucas. One option was of course to continue treating Lucas and keep going down this road as long as we could and hope for a chance that he comes home someday. Another option was to sign a DNR. They mentioned that there is always a possibility that he may never even code at all. This NICU is considered one of the best in the nation...top 15 infact. They have some of the best doctors and very sophisticated equipment and are more capable of keeping babies alive than other NICU's. They typically catch problems before they ever become a problem and allow a code. Being less than a week old, who's to say what kind of problems we would have run into down the road (more IVH's, seizures, infections, bowel perforations, the heart problem, so on). Maybe the machines could have kept him alive no matter how sick...maybe not. That was one part of what made all this so hard...not knowing. All that being said, a lot or most doctors won't give you an opinion on what they think you should do. But these doctors actually felt so strongly in their predictions that they felt comfortable giving us their recommendation. They both said that they would recommend a "redirection of care". Meaning that we take Lucas off his IV's and breathing tube and make him comfortable and let him pass peacefully. This was the hardest thing I've ever had to hear and think about.
The doctors walked out of the room and Ryan and I both absolutely lost it with sadness. We cried hysterically. We'd just sat through an extremely difficult conversation and were faced with an IMPOSSIBLY tough decision. I can not tell you how much we struggled with this decision. It was not a quick and easy decision by any means. We discussed our thoughts at length with each other as well as with our social worker Suzanne, and the chaplain Judy. I personally struggled with the decision not only as a mother of a handicapped child, but also in the aspect of what is right or not right in God's eyes. Upon speaking with Judy, she said something that helped a little. She said she believes that God would LOVE that fact that I AM struggling with the decision and that I should focus on that. I also struggled with guilt and feelings of selfishness. It took a lot of talking to my husband and even some to our social worker to help me think through these racing, jumbled up thoughts and emotions in order to find my true feelings.
In the end, we did decide to let Lucas go. I did not want to see my son have to live a life where he can't run with friends, play sports, and just be a normal little boy. What kind of life is that? If we so chose, I could have taken care of my baby boy, no matter how difficult, I could have. And I would have loved him with all my heart. It would have put a lot of strain on our little family...financially, emotionally, yes...and I didn't want that either. But what I couldn't stand the thought of is 5, 10 years from now, looking at my little boy and knowing that he can't live the life that he deserves. If they had told us that there was some chance at a normal life, or at least somewhat normal...something to hold on to that would make us think Lucas could someday be a happy child even with health problems...I would not be sitting here typing and crying and missing my baby boy. I would be sitting at the NICU watching him and saying "What can we do now to fix this? Because I'm going to take my baby home." That part just wasn't in the cards for us. There was just too much brain damage...too much of a chance that he would not be happy with that kind of life.
I had a hard time deciding whether or not to tell you all that we had this decision to make, or to just keep it to ourselves and have everyone continue to believe that he passed without a choice. Many of you keep saying how much of a fighter he was and how he just couldn't fight anymore. I found that was bothering me so much because I believe he may have still had some fight left in him and I felt like I had cheated him out of trying and taken that fight away from him. In fact, yesterday I had to pull the doctor aside again and ask him again and get assurance from him again about his opinion of Lucas's future. I guess I had a hard time believing it the first time I heard it. He said again, and more clearly this time, that being a father himself, this is the decision he would make for his own children. In continuing my conversation with him about the difficult night prior, I was reminded that his fight is a hard one and a long one...and to get to what? Another long and hard fight. Sure, maybe he still had some fight left in him but what's wrong with taking that burden off of him? I didn't think of it that way until I talked with someone today who's been right where I am and faced with the same decisions. I certainly trust and respect her thoughts and advice. She has been such a help and I'm so glad she has allowed me to confide in her. She told me that I didn't take away his fight. I gave him a life of no pain. Eternal life. She said that I'm a hero for it. You know who you are, so thank you again for those words. It helps tremendously.
So, on Thursday. We got up early and made our way to the hospital. I spent a few hours by his side just watching him and praying. He kept stretching his little arms out,covered in bandages and tubes, but adorable nevertheless. Stretching out his little bruised up legs. We had a lot of fun over the past few days talking about his feet. He had his Daddy's feet...down to the tiniest feature. When we were good and ready, we first had them take him out of his isolette with his breathing tube. The hospital offered us a professional photographer at no cost to come capture a few moments for us. I'm so glad she did. I will treasure those pictures forever. I sat with him in a rocking chair. I was very overwhelmed when she first laid him in my arms. It was both an incredibly wonderful feeling, while also being completely heartbreaking. I rocked him for a few minutes and decided that I couldn't do it any longer because I was becoming blind with love for my baby boy, and for a minute I started to forget why we had made this decision. Next, we waited in a private room with a hospital bed that I laid in to be comfortable. They brought him to me, all wrapped up in warm blankets, but no more breathing tube. I absolutely could not believe what I was doing. I just couldn't believe it. But I was doing it. We sat there and cried, and just stared at his tiny, tired, beautiful face. The chaplain was in the room and she said some beautiful words and prayers. My mom was also with us. I don't know how long we were in there. It felt like forever, but also not nearly enough time all at once. Lucas passed away very quietly and peacefully in my arms with his daddy by our side. We said our goodbyes and gave him kisses and it was over. They gave us our pictures, and a keepsake box with his blanket, locks of hair, casting of his feet, footprints, thermometer, tiny blood pressure cuff that could fit around my finger, among other things. We gathered our emotions and left the hospital. That was the story of Lucas Wemyss and how he changed us forever.
We are still in CA for a few more days. I'll be able to fly home soon. We've left the option open to have more children in the future. It's going to be a while before we're ready. But now, more than ever, we both want a baby who is happy and healthy. This is the hardest thing we've ever had to do and, I hope, will ever have to do. We still talk about him a lot and will continue to do so. What a blessing he has been. He has opened our eyes and made a difference in a way that we couldn't even forsee. We are having him cremated so that we can keep him with us. We decided that every year on his birthday, which happens to be the day after our anniversary, we will make it a point to take a trip together to celebrate Lucas. Maybe we'll find a special place to scatter his ashes someday. Please continue to keep Ryan and me in your prayers as we try to carry on with our lives. Thank you.
Jessica Wemyss
I had left off 3 days ago, the day before we were to meet with all of Lucas's doctors to discuss his treatment and prognosis. He was of course having a lot of "preemie problems" that virtually all 24-weekers (as they say in the NICU) have. Problems regulating his temperature, blood sugar, oxygen, blood pressure...basically everything. Every organ system is immature and needed help to function. Wednesday night was a particularly bad one for him. He was constantly having trouble with just about everything. They spent all night just adjusting up and adjusting down and ultimately ended up having to do another blood transfusion, putting him back on his blood pressure meds, upping his oxygen again, started antibiotics, among many other things. An echo of his heart also indicated that he had PDA. The heart of a fetus in the womb has a different structure that allows the blood to bypass the lungs since they are not breathing in air. After birth, this hole is supposed to closed up. In preemies, this hole is, of course, still open and can cause problems. It can be treated by medications or surgery. We didn't discuss this too much at the meeting because the brain bleeds were more of a problem than anything.
About those...There are 4 grades of these bleeds (known as IVH ...intraventricular hemorrhage). Grade 4 being the worst. Ryan could tell you details about it and what that actually means down to every last definition. He did a lot of research about it to try to understand what happened to our son. I won't get into that. Bottom line...very very bad. Lucas had two grade 4 IVH's (originally we were told 3 and 4, but the neurologist actually said it was more like two 4's). They went on to talk about what that would mean for Lucas's future. Now, I know that doctors are not always right...I know that they can not look into the future and give us a 100% guarantee about anything. I know several of you told me stories of other premature babies who made it and were fine. I don't know anything about whether those babies had the same severity of bleeding that Lucas did. Only a neurologist can make that determination. And there is a HUGE difference when comparing a 24 weeker with, say, a 28 weeker. Any extra time in the womb makes a BIG difference as to the outcome of the child. That being said, understand that just because you knew a friend of a friend who had a preemie...blah blah blah. That doesn't mean a thing. Each baby is different. Each family is different. All we could do is listen to our doctors and decide whether or not to trust their expert opinions. We spent a lot of time talking with them and we do trust their opinion. I work with doctors all the time...I've learned to put trust in them. Again, they can not predict the future. What they can do is use their many years of experience and knowledge to help them determine what is most likely to happen. They see the history of a baby, they see the images and scans, they see what these babies must endure, and they see some of these babies come back years later and witness the end result. They told us flat out that he had severe brain damage. They said he WILL have (with no doubt) severe disabilities in the form of or similar to cerebral palsy. While they can not pinpoint exactly every problem, they assured us that he will eventually lose the movement in his legs and be wheelchair bound. Likely lose the use of his arms as well. Mental retardation. Other possible outcomes ON TOP OF those included blindness, speech impairment, seizures, heart and lung problems, among other things. He would need constant care and would always have various problems. While the degree in severity can differ, we were able to get at least a "ballpark figure" of what we were looking at. I mean, are we looking at occupational and speech therapy and special schools? Or are we looking at 24 hour care by myself or by a nurse to do everything...feed him, bathe him, change diapers for the rest of his life? Will he ever be able to take care of himself and eventually maybe even learn to live independently? The answer was no. He would need constant care for the rest of his life.
We next talked about our care options for Lucas. One option was of course to continue treating Lucas and keep going down this road as long as we could and hope for a chance that he comes home someday. Another option was to sign a DNR. They mentioned that there is always a possibility that he may never even code at all. This NICU is considered one of the best in the nation...top 15 infact. They have some of the best doctors and very sophisticated equipment and are more capable of keeping babies alive than other NICU's. They typically catch problems before they ever become a problem and allow a code. Being less than a week old, who's to say what kind of problems we would have run into down the road (more IVH's, seizures, infections, bowel perforations, the heart problem, so on). Maybe the machines could have kept him alive no matter how sick...maybe not. That was one part of what made all this so hard...not knowing. All that being said, a lot or most doctors won't give you an opinion on what they think you should do. But these doctors actually felt so strongly in their predictions that they felt comfortable giving us their recommendation. They both said that they would recommend a "redirection of care". Meaning that we take Lucas off his IV's and breathing tube and make him comfortable and let him pass peacefully. This was the hardest thing I've ever had to hear and think about.
The doctors walked out of the room and Ryan and I both absolutely lost it with sadness. We cried hysterically. We'd just sat through an extremely difficult conversation and were faced with an IMPOSSIBLY tough decision. I can not tell you how much we struggled with this decision. It was not a quick and easy decision by any means. We discussed our thoughts at length with each other as well as with our social worker Suzanne, and the chaplain Judy. I personally struggled with the decision not only as a mother of a handicapped child, but also in the aspect of what is right or not right in God's eyes. Upon speaking with Judy, she said something that helped a little. She said she believes that God would LOVE that fact that I AM struggling with the decision and that I should focus on that. I also struggled with guilt and feelings of selfishness. It took a lot of talking to my husband and even some to our social worker to help me think through these racing, jumbled up thoughts and emotions in order to find my true feelings.
In the end, we did decide to let Lucas go. I did not want to see my son have to live a life where he can't run with friends, play sports, and just be a normal little boy. What kind of life is that? If we so chose, I could have taken care of my baby boy, no matter how difficult, I could have. And I would have loved him with all my heart. It would have put a lot of strain on our little family...financially, emotionally, yes...and I didn't want that either. But what I couldn't stand the thought of is 5, 10 years from now, looking at my little boy and knowing that he can't live the life that he deserves. If they had told us that there was some chance at a normal life, or at least somewhat normal...something to hold on to that would make us think Lucas could someday be a happy child even with health problems...I would not be sitting here typing and crying and missing my baby boy. I would be sitting at the NICU watching him and saying "What can we do now to fix this? Because I'm going to take my baby home." That part just wasn't in the cards for us. There was just too much brain damage...too much of a chance that he would not be happy with that kind of life.
I had a hard time deciding whether or not to tell you all that we had this decision to make, or to just keep it to ourselves and have everyone continue to believe that he passed without a choice. Many of you keep saying how much of a fighter he was and how he just couldn't fight anymore. I found that was bothering me so much because I believe he may have still had some fight left in him and I felt like I had cheated him out of trying and taken that fight away from him. In fact, yesterday I had to pull the doctor aside again and ask him again and get assurance from him again about his opinion of Lucas's future. I guess I had a hard time believing it the first time I heard it. He said again, and more clearly this time, that being a father himself, this is the decision he would make for his own children. In continuing my conversation with him about the difficult night prior, I was reminded that his fight is a hard one and a long one...and to get to what? Another long and hard fight. Sure, maybe he still had some fight left in him but what's wrong with taking that burden off of him? I didn't think of it that way until I talked with someone today who's been right where I am and faced with the same decisions. I certainly trust and respect her thoughts and advice. She has been such a help and I'm so glad she has allowed me to confide in her. She told me that I didn't take away his fight. I gave him a life of no pain. Eternal life. She said that I'm a hero for it. You know who you are, so thank you again for those words. It helps tremendously.
So, on Thursday. We got up early and made our way to the hospital. I spent a few hours by his side just watching him and praying. He kept stretching his little arms out,covered in bandages and tubes, but adorable nevertheless. Stretching out his little bruised up legs. We had a lot of fun over the past few days talking about his feet. He had his Daddy's feet...down to the tiniest feature. When we were good and ready, we first had them take him out of his isolette with his breathing tube. The hospital offered us a professional photographer at no cost to come capture a few moments for us. I'm so glad she did. I will treasure those pictures forever. I sat with him in a rocking chair. I was very overwhelmed when she first laid him in my arms. It was both an incredibly wonderful feeling, while also being completely heartbreaking. I rocked him for a few minutes and decided that I couldn't do it any longer because I was becoming blind with love for my baby boy, and for a minute I started to forget why we had made this decision. Next, we waited in a private room with a hospital bed that I laid in to be comfortable. They brought him to me, all wrapped up in warm blankets, but no more breathing tube. I absolutely could not believe what I was doing. I just couldn't believe it. But I was doing it. We sat there and cried, and just stared at his tiny, tired, beautiful face. The chaplain was in the room and she said some beautiful words and prayers. My mom was also with us. I don't know how long we were in there. It felt like forever, but also not nearly enough time all at once. Lucas passed away very quietly and peacefully in my arms with his daddy by our side. We said our goodbyes and gave him kisses and it was over. They gave us our pictures, and a keepsake box with his blanket, locks of hair, casting of his feet, footprints, thermometer, tiny blood pressure cuff that could fit around my finger, among other things. We gathered our emotions and left the hospital. That was the story of Lucas Wemyss and how he changed us forever.
We are still in CA for a few more days. I'll be able to fly home soon. We've left the option open to have more children in the future. It's going to be a while before we're ready. But now, more than ever, we both want a baby who is happy and healthy. This is the hardest thing we've ever had to do and, I hope, will ever have to do. We still talk about him a lot and will continue to do so. What a blessing he has been. He has opened our eyes and made a difference in a way that we couldn't even forsee. We are having him cremated so that we can keep him with us. We decided that every year on his birthday, which happens to be the day after our anniversary, we will make it a point to take a trip together to celebrate Lucas. Maybe we'll find a special place to scatter his ashes someday. Please continue to keep Ryan and me in your prayers as we try to carry on with our lives. Thank you.
Jessica Wemyss
Monday, April 30, 2012
Everyone Is Hanging In There
First, I'll fill you in on what I've been up to, as well as my husband and his parents. As odd as it sounds, laying around in the hospital doing nothing is somehow very time consuming. I haven't had much time to update you all, so this will cover the last couple of days.
I was offered the option to be discharged on Sunday, less than 48 hours after the c-section. They don't typically let you do that, but my doctor was so understanding and he knew that I wanted to get to Lucas as soon as I could. But as much as I wanted to be with Lucas, I decided to stay another day in the hospital because they didn't get me up and walking until after 7pm Sat night and I just didn't think I would have the strength to make the trip all the way to San Francisco (an hour away) much less get around a busy hospital. I made the right choice. It was difficult even a day later. On top of the pain and frustration of recovering from a c-section, I'm also trying to pump breast milk for Lucas (TMI? Sorry...but it's the most natural and best thing I can do for my son right now). My body wasn't ready to produce this milk quite yet, so I'm basically forcing it to. Every tiny bit I can get, we save and take to the NICU for them to freeze. When Lucas is ready for it (hopefully soon) it will be there and ready for him. That continues to be quite an "adventure". Ryan's parents have been so supportive. They got a hotel room about 30 mins from Napa while I was in the hospital. We only have one rented car for all of us right now, so they stayed in the hotel and Ryan spent part of the days with them running errands, and making arrangements/plans, and then he would spend the nights and mornings with me in the hospital. They are staying here in California until Thursday to see that Ryan and I get settled in somewhere long term. They've been such a help. Ryan has absolutely been AMAZING during all of this. I don't know to put into words how lucky I am to have him by my side right now. We seem to be on the same page with our plans and emotions and he's giving me all the support and love I need while I'm trying to recover. I love him more than ever.
Lucas did pretty well in the NICU the first couple of days. They needed to draw some blood from him since of course they have to test about a billion things. Then they ended up having to give him more blood shortly afterward. He handled it well. He did very well on the breathing tube for the first couple of days. They weaned it down to the lowest setting possible and he was doing so well they decided to pull the tube and put him on the cpap mask instead which is a way to help his breathing, but it's a much less invasive method. This was set at about 35% oxygen. They also weaned down his dopamine (medication responsible for maintaining his blood pressure) and he did well without that. His stats did drop from time to time, which is to be expected, but they didn't have trouble resolving it when it happened. They do ultrasounds often on these tiny babies because they are so fragile that they can develop bleeds very easily. The first ultrasound was clear.
Sunday, I received a call from the NICU for my permission to place a PICC Line. He had a few IVs that were inserted into extremely small vessels and those would wear out very quickly. A PICC Line is similar to an IV but it is inserted through his upper arm and went almost to his heart. This is a way to deliver the vital nutrients and things in a better way. I don't always understand the exact explanations of these things, and as scatter-brained as I am right now, I forget very quickly after it's explained to me...but I think I got pretty close. They did have to adjust this PICC Line placement once as well.
Today, Monday the 30th, I learn that they had to put his breathing tube back in last night. His stats just dropped too much and he needed the help again. Anytime they do a procedure on him and stimulate him too much (preemies in general) they tend to not be as stable afterwards. He is, however, still off of his BP meds and holding steady for now.
We finally made it San Francisco this afternoon after leaving Napa. I was extremely nervous about seeing Lucas. I almost felt like I didn't WANT to see him because I knew it would be scary and emotional. I tend to not want to deal with things like that and just sort of shut down. But I knew I had to and I knew I need to be strong for my son. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life...seeing my son hooked up to so many tubes and machines. He was so so so tiny...tinier than I expected. So tiny it scared me. I broke down several times just looking at him. His little body was almost all the way covered up. I could see part of his legs, a tiny hand, tiny feet (he totally has his daddy's feet and that's so cute). His whole face and head was covered because his bed is next to the window and he's not a fan of the sunlight. And too bad his little eyes are still fused shut because being on the top floor of the hospital, he has one of the best views of the city! He's a little squirm worm for sure...I guess he's stronger than he looks because he's moving around all over the place. I was allowed to put my hands into his incubator and gently rest them on his legs and head. I barely grazed him...I was just too scared to hurt him. I did touch his hand to see if he would grab on (he grabbed daddy's finger before leaving Napa), but I had no such luck today. Earlier in the week, we visited the Monterey Bay Aquarium. Ryan and I bought him a big stuffed sea otter, and Gayle and David bought him a smaller one. The whole time I was laying in the hospital, I kept that little otter on me to give it my scent. I carefully and nervously got to put that little otter into his incubator :)
Then we met and spoke to one of the doctors taking care of him. He told us pretty much the same things we already knew. But he did break some bad news to us. This morning, they did another ultrasound on his head to check for bleeds. This was prompted by another drop in stats which forced them to have to give him more blood. They did find two bleeds on his brain. One on the right, and one on the left. They are grades 3 & 4 (the worst kinds). These bleeds can have some very serious effects on his development. Anything from simple speech or motor difficulties to mental retardation. They also did an echocardiogram of his heart before we left because he has a heart murmur. This is a common problem as I understand, but it must be closely watched because it does cause serious problems. We do not yet have the results of the echo yet.
Tomorrow, we are to have a meeting with several people all at once to discuss Lucas's care. This will include the NICU doctor, neurologist, a social worker, cardiologist (I believe) and we will basically sit down and talk about the bleeds on the brain, the heart murmur, other potential problems, plans of action for his care....everything. I'm not looking forward to this meeting because I know it's going to include some very tough and sensitive subject matter. Especially hearing about the bleeds from the neurologist and what outcomes we may be facing. But this is our life for the next few months if God sees fit to keep Lucas in our lives. We've heard so many success stories that raise our hopes and spirits, and then we immediately . Sometimes we just don't know what to think or feel. We remain hopeful, scared, confused, and mostly overwhelmed by the thought of our son laying in a little incubator, surrounded by strangers, fighting for his life every second while we try to continue on with our lives the best way we know how.
I'm not only using this blog to share with you all that happens with Lucas to keep you up to date on his care and progress, but I've found, just by typing this post today, that it really helps me get out my thoughts and emotions...almost a sort of therapy for me. Again, I am so thankful for my husband. I would be absolutely lost right now without him. He will have to go back to Georgia before too long to take care of work and our home, so I've got to get myself together pretty quick. For now, the plan is for him to stay here with me and Lucas as long as he can. At least two weeks because I will need his help while I'm still recovering from surgery. For now, until Thursday while we're working out other arrangements, we are sharing a hotel room with Ryan's parents, about 30 mins away from the NICU.
Thank you all so much for your kind words and prayers. Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and send up a little prayer anytime it crosses your mind. Big day tomorrow...I'll keep everyone updated the best I can.
Love,
Jessica
I was offered the option to be discharged on Sunday, less than 48 hours after the c-section. They don't typically let you do that, but my doctor was so understanding and he knew that I wanted to get to Lucas as soon as I could. But as much as I wanted to be with Lucas, I decided to stay another day in the hospital because they didn't get me up and walking until after 7pm Sat night and I just didn't think I would have the strength to make the trip all the way to San Francisco (an hour away) much less get around a busy hospital. I made the right choice. It was difficult even a day later. On top of the pain and frustration of recovering from a c-section, I'm also trying to pump breast milk for Lucas (TMI? Sorry...but it's the most natural and best thing I can do for my son right now). My body wasn't ready to produce this milk quite yet, so I'm basically forcing it to. Every tiny bit I can get, we save and take to the NICU for them to freeze. When Lucas is ready for it (hopefully soon) it will be there and ready for him. That continues to be quite an "adventure". Ryan's parents have been so supportive. They got a hotel room about 30 mins from Napa while I was in the hospital. We only have one rented car for all of us right now, so they stayed in the hotel and Ryan spent part of the days with them running errands, and making arrangements/plans, and then he would spend the nights and mornings with me in the hospital. They are staying here in California until Thursday to see that Ryan and I get settled in somewhere long term. They've been such a help. Ryan has absolutely been AMAZING during all of this. I don't know to put into words how lucky I am to have him by my side right now. We seem to be on the same page with our plans and emotions and he's giving me all the support and love I need while I'm trying to recover. I love him more than ever.
Lucas did pretty well in the NICU the first couple of days. They needed to draw some blood from him since of course they have to test about a billion things. Then they ended up having to give him more blood shortly afterward. He handled it well. He did very well on the breathing tube for the first couple of days. They weaned it down to the lowest setting possible and he was doing so well they decided to pull the tube and put him on the cpap mask instead which is a way to help his breathing, but it's a much less invasive method. This was set at about 35% oxygen. They also weaned down his dopamine (medication responsible for maintaining his blood pressure) and he did well without that. His stats did drop from time to time, which is to be expected, but they didn't have trouble resolving it when it happened. They do ultrasounds often on these tiny babies because they are so fragile that they can develop bleeds very easily. The first ultrasound was clear.
Sunday, I received a call from the NICU for my permission to place a PICC Line. He had a few IVs that were inserted into extremely small vessels and those would wear out very quickly. A PICC Line is similar to an IV but it is inserted through his upper arm and went almost to his heart. This is a way to deliver the vital nutrients and things in a better way. I don't always understand the exact explanations of these things, and as scatter-brained as I am right now, I forget very quickly after it's explained to me...but I think I got pretty close. They did have to adjust this PICC Line placement once as well.
Today, Monday the 30th, I learn that they had to put his breathing tube back in last night. His stats just dropped too much and he needed the help again. Anytime they do a procedure on him and stimulate him too much (preemies in general) they tend to not be as stable afterwards. He is, however, still off of his BP meds and holding steady for now.
We finally made it San Francisco this afternoon after leaving Napa. I was extremely nervous about seeing Lucas. I almost felt like I didn't WANT to see him because I knew it would be scary and emotional. I tend to not want to deal with things like that and just sort of shut down. But I knew I had to and I knew I need to be strong for my son. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life...seeing my son hooked up to so many tubes and machines. He was so so so tiny...tinier than I expected. So tiny it scared me. I broke down several times just looking at him. His little body was almost all the way covered up. I could see part of his legs, a tiny hand, tiny feet (he totally has his daddy's feet and that's so cute). His whole face and head was covered because his bed is next to the window and he's not a fan of the sunlight. And too bad his little eyes are still fused shut because being on the top floor of the hospital, he has one of the best views of the city! He's a little squirm worm for sure...I guess he's stronger than he looks because he's moving around all over the place. I was allowed to put my hands into his incubator and gently rest them on his legs and head. I barely grazed him...I was just too scared to hurt him. I did touch his hand to see if he would grab on (he grabbed daddy's finger before leaving Napa), but I had no such luck today. Earlier in the week, we visited the Monterey Bay Aquarium. Ryan and I bought him a big stuffed sea otter, and Gayle and David bought him a smaller one. The whole time I was laying in the hospital, I kept that little otter on me to give it my scent. I carefully and nervously got to put that little otter into his incubator :)
Then we met and spoke to one of the doctors taking care of him. He told us pretty much the same things we already knew. But he did break some bad news to us. This morning, they did another ultrasound on his head to check for bleeds. This was prompted by another drop in stats which forced them to have to give him more blood. They did find two bleeds on his brain. One on the right, and one on the left. They are grades 3 & 4 (the worst kinds). These bleeds can have some very serious effects on his development. Anything from simple speech or motor difficulties to mental retardation. They also did an echocardiogram of his heart before we left because he has a heart murmur. This is a common problem as I understand, but it must be closely watched because it does cause serious problems. We do not yet have the results of the echo yet.
Tomorrow, we are to have a meeting with several people all at once to discuss Lucas's care. This will include the NICU doctor, neurologist, a social worker, cardiologist (I believe) and we will basically sit down and talk about the bleeds on the brain, the heart murmur, other potential problems, plans of action for his care....everything. I'm not looking forward to this meeting because I know it's going to include some very tough and sensitive subject matter. Especially hearing about the bleeds from the neurologist and what outcomes we may be facing. But this is our life for the next few months if God sees fit to keep Lucas in our lives. We've heard so many success stories that raise our hopes and spirits, and then we immediately . Sometimes we just don't know what to think or feel. We remain hopeful, scared, confused, and mostly overwhelmed by the thought of our son laying in a little incubator, surrounded by strangers, fighting for his life every second while we try to continue on with our lives the best way we know how.
I'm not only using this blog to share with you all that happens with Lucas to keep you up to date on his care and progress, but I've found, just by typing this post today, that it really helps me get out my thoughts and emotions...almost a sort of therapy for me. Again, I am so thankful for my husband. I would be absolutely lost right now without him. He will have to go back to Georgia before too long to take care of work and our home, so I've got to get myself together pretty quick. For now, the plan is for him to stay here with me and Lucas as long as he can. At least two weeks because I will need his help while I'm still recovering from surgery. For now, until Thursday while we're working out other arrangements, we are sharing a hotel room with Ryan's parents, about 30 mins away from the NICU.
Thank you all so much for your kind words and prayers. Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and send up a little prayer anytime it crosses your mind. Big day tomorrow...I'll keep everyone updated the best I can.
Love,
Jessica
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Lucas's First Day
Hello Everyone,
I decided to start this blog for my family and friends who have been so caring and supportive during this hard time. Our first child, Lucas, was born prematurely on April 27th 2012. I was only 24 weeks into my pregnancy. I am currently still in the hospital recovering, so I am on some pretty strong medications...I apologize for my grammar in advance.
Just to give you a quick background of who we are, Ryan and I live in Warner Robins, GA. Ryan is from TN and I am from AL and that is where our immediate families live currently. Ryan is a mechanical engineer, and I am a medical assistant. We just celebrated our 4 year wedding anniversary the day before Lucas was born.
We were on vacation in California with Ryan's parents and we were at the end of our trip in San Francisco when I noticed some spotting around lunchtime on Thursday the 26th. This is not the first time it had occurred. It first happened two weeks prior, although mild, it came with some cramping at that time. I called my doctor at that time and was advised that because it was not significant spotting, to just lay back and rest and if it stopped within a couple of hours, I was fine and can continue about my business as usual. It stopped quickly and nothing more was done or said by my doctor. When it happened in San Francisco on Thursday afternoon, I followed the same protocol. I did not call my doctor at first...just got to the hotel room as quickly as I could and it stopped soon. No pain or cramps this time either. I had assumed that I had just overdone it with walking too much during the trip (lot of walking and riding down bumpy roads) so even though I was worried, I didn't think it was a big problem. However, the next morning, it happened again and I began feeling some pressure down low and I knew that something was wrong.
Ryan took me to the nearest hospital which is St Joseph's Queen of the Valley hospital in Napa. They took me back immediately and began treatment. Turns out, the pressure I was feeling was actually contractions. Having never had a baby before, I had no idea that's what I was feeling because they didn't actually hurt at that point. They put my on some meds to try to stop them. Then the scary part happened. They did an ultrasound and found that my membranes (amniotic sac within the uterus) was actually bulging through my cervix (which was obviously dialated) into my vagina. We could see on the ultrasound that Lucas could actually even put his foot through the cervix. The umbilical cord would go through at times as well and come back out as the baby moved. Lucas was also in a transverse position (laying sideways across my abdomen) facing down. This was very alarming to my doctor because we were not having any luck stopping the contractions and they were actually becoming stronger very quickly. My doctor said that the contractions WILL break my water at any point, and as strong as they were getting, he was thinking it could even happen within the hour. My original option upon arrival, before seeing the ultrasound, was to just wait and keep him in there as long as possible and buy some time to give the steroids a chance to strengthen his lungs and time for him to grow. BUT after seeing the ultrasound, the fear was that when the water does break, the umbilical cord would get pulled down into the vagina first and basically suffocate Lucas before they could get him out. The chance for that outcome was all too likely. We opted to go ahead and do a c-section quickly before the water has a chance to break because that would allow the doctors time get him out in a controlled manner and have the neonatal team ready to go. And I could tell the last few contractions before the operation were very intense...it wouldn't have been long before the water would have broken. According the ultrasound, Lucas was measuring at 25 weeks (even though I was only 24) and around 2 pounds. But these things are not always accurate.
The c-section was performed and I handled it well. Lucas even tried to cry when they got him out. I heard a few very faint precious cries. I was very medicated, so I was pretty much too "out of it" to feel much emotion at that time. We were told by the neonatologist prior to surgery that there would be a chance that Lucas would be too small to intubate to give him oxygen. If that were the case, we would have lost him immediately. Luckily, they were able to intubate him quickly and testing of the blood gasses showed that he most likely was not deprived of oxygen at any time. He weighed in at 1 pound and 11 ounces (although we were originally told wrong in the OR due to a lot of chaos). They worked on him for a while, getting his vitals and getting his lines in and hooking up to machines. We soon got word that he was doing as well as can be expected and that he would be eligible for transport to San Francisco soon.
During the procedure, the doctors also discovered that I had what is called "placental abruption". This is where the placenta separates from the uterus. It was about 40% separated at that point. They also found evidence that this separation had started prior to the trip. It probably started when I had that first bout of spotting two weeks prior which was left undiagnosed. Doctors told me that this premature delivery was going to happen, whether we came on vacation or not. They knew that I was worried I had walked too much and caused this. They made it a point to tell me over and over again that this was not my fault and there was nothing I could have done to stop it. In a way, we're lucky that my symptoms occurred when they did, because we were supposed to get on a plane and fly home the very next day. If this would have happened on the plane, who knows what would have happened. Emgergency landing? What if it was too quick? Lucas would NOT have survived, and I could have bled out from the placental abruption as well. Talk about scary.
So that was Lucas's first day of life and the story of how he surprised us all and became my little vacation souvenir. Please continue to pray for Lucas, myself and husband, and our families as we learn how to cope with our emotions and find ways to handle this situation when home is clear across the country. Thank you all for your support and prayers again. I'll be out of the hospital tomorrow and will get to go see my son. I can't wait and I am so proud of him. He really is a fighter.
I decided to start this blog for my family and friends who have been so caring and supportive during this hard time. Our first child, Lucas, was born prematurely on April 27th 2012. I was only 24 weeks into my pregnancy. I am currently still in the hospital recovering, so I am on some pretty strong medications...I apologize for my grammar in advance.
Just to give you a quick background of who we are, Ryan and I live in Warner Robins, GA. Ryan is from TN and I am from AL and that is where our immediate families live currently. Ryan is a mechanical engineer, and I am a medical assistant. We just celebrated our 4 year wedding anniversary the day before Lucas was born.
We were on vacation in California with Ryan's parents and we were at the end of our trip in San Francisco when I noticed some spotting around lunchtime on Thursday the 26th. This is not the first time it had occurred. It first happened two weeks prior, although mild, it came with some cramping at that time. I called my doctor at that time and was advised that because it was not significant spotting, to just lay back and rest and if it stopped within a couple of hours, I was fine and can continue about my business as usual. It stopped quickly and nothing more was done or said by my doctor. When it happened in San Francisco on Thursday afternoon, I followed the same protocol. I did not call my doctor at first...just got to the hotel room as quickly as I could and it stopped soon. No pain or cramps this time either. I had assumed that I had just overdone it with walking too much during the trip (lot of walking and riding down bumpy roads) so even though I was worried, I didn't think it was a big problem. However, the next morning, it happened again and I began feeling some pressure down low and I knew that something was wrong.
Ryan took me to the nearest hospital which is St Joseph's Queen of the Valley hospital in Napa. They took me back immediately and began treatment. Turns out, the pressure I was feeling was actually contractions. Having never had a baby before, I had no idea that's what I was feeling because they didn't actually hurt at that point. They put my on some meds to try to stop them. Then the scary part happened. They did an ultrasound and found that my membranes (amniotic sac within the uterus) was actually bulging through my cervix (which was obviously dialated) into my vagina. We could see on the ultrasound that Lucas could actually even put his foot through the cervix. The umbilical cord would go through at times as well and come back out as the baby moved. Lucas was also in a transverse position (laying sideways across my abdomen) facing down. This was very alarming to my doctor because we were not having any luck stopping the contractions and they were actually becoming stronger very quickly. My doctor said that the contractions WILL break my water at any point, and as strong as they were getting, he was thinking it could even happen within the hour. My original option upon arrival, before seeing the ultrasound, was to just wait and keep him in there as long as possible and buy some time to give the steroids a chance to strengthen his lungs and time for him to grow. BUT after seeing the ultrasound, the fear was that when the water does break, the umbilical cord would get pulled down into the vagina first and basically suffocate Lucas before they could get him out. The chance for that outcome was all too likely. We opted to go ahead and do a c-section quickly before the water has a chance to break because that would allow the doctors time get him out in a controlled manner and have the neonatal team ready to go. And I could tell the last few contractions before the operation were very intense...it wouldn't have been long before the water would have broken. According the ultrasound, Lucas was measuring at 25 weeks (even though I was only 24) and around 2 pounds. But these things are not always accurate.
The c-section was performed and I handled it well. Lucas even tried to cry when they got him out. I heard a few very faint precious cries. I was very medicated, so I was pretty much too "out of it" to feel much emotion at that time. We were told by the neonatologist prior to surgery that there would be a chance that Lucas would be too small to intubate to give him oxygen. If that were the case, we would have lost him immediately. Luckily, they were able to intubate him quickly and testing of the blood gasses showed that he most likely was not deprived of oxygen at any time. He weighed in at 1 pound and 11 ounces (although we were originally told wrong in the OR due to a lot of chaos). They worked on him for a while, getting his vitals and getting his lines in and hooking up to machines. We soon got word that he was doing as well as can be expected and that he would be eligible for transport to San Francisco soon.
During the procedure, the doctors also discovered that I had what is called "placental abruption". This is where the placenta separates from the uterus. It was about 40% separated at that point. They also found evidence that this separation had started prior to the trip. It probably started when I had that first bout of spotting two weeks prior which was left undiagnosed. Doctors told me that this premature delivery was going to happen, whether we came on vacation or not. They knew that I was worried I had walked too much and caused this. They made it a point to tell me over and over again that this was not my fault and there was nothing I could have done to stop it. In a way, we're lucky that my symptoms occurred when they did, because we were supposed to get on a plane and fly home the very next day. If this would have happened on the plane, who knows what would have happened. Emgergency landing? What if it was too quick? Lucas would NOT have survived, and I could have bled out from the placental abruption as well. Talk about scary.
So that was Lucas's first day of life and the story of how he surprised us all and became my little vacation souvenir. Please continue to pray for Lucas, myself and husband, and our families as we learn how to cope with our emotions and find ways to handle this situation when home is clear across the country. Thank you all for your support and prayers again. I'll be out of the hospital tomorrow and will get to go see my son. I can't wait and I am so proud of him. He really is a fighter.
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